Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Top Ten Proposed "Pioneer Re-Enactments" —Runtu

10. Kirtland Ant-Banking Society. Youth will learn self-sacrifice and obedience by giving their savings to church leaders, who then leave the premises with the cash. Youth must then pay off church leaders' creditors. Cash or credit card accepted. Meals not provided.

9. Zion's Camp. Ill-prepared youth will walk long distances through the summer heat and contend with poor food and disease. If you're wondering how this is different from Pioneer Treks, the youth will be carrying guns.

8. Fun In Old Nauvoo. Young Women will be organized into families. A church leader portraying the prophet will approach the group's "ma and pa" and promise them eternal life in exchange for one or more of the young women. From there, the young women will participate in such traditional games as "bed-hopping with Joseph" and "Keep Away from Emma."

7. The Battle of Crooked River. Youth will be organized into a legion and then attack units of the state militia. Leaders will then teach the youth how to blame the state for victimizing and persecuting members of the church.

6. "Camp Seerstone." Youth will dig for "slippery" Spanish treasure under the direction of the stake president, who will guide them through the use of a seerstone.

5. Mission to Chile. Youth will construct hundreds of cardboard facades representing church members, wards, and stakes. They will then be inspired by Jeffrey Holland's valiant work in cutting through the facades.

4. The Life of Gordon B. Hinckley. Youth will learn the fine art of spinning bad things into good and will attend a workshop on recognizing fraudulent documents. Each youth will be presented with a small monument to his or her own ego.

3. Heber C. Kimball Marriage Preparation. Young men will learn how to choose a wife by learning about raising cattle.

2. Book of Mormon Witnesses. Youth will learn the importance of blind faith and gullibility.

1. Pioneer Trek. Youth will pull handcarts in hot summer weather with poor food and equipment. Some youth and leaders will be hospitalized, and the rest will suffer sunburn, heat exhaustion, ticks, mosquitoes, and chiggers. Wait, no one would actually propose such a thing, would they?
9. Zions Camp ... will be carrying guns and then be hit with a "surprise" cholera outbreak.

2. Book of Mormon Witnesses ... Activities will include walking into the woods in groups of four, holding a group prayer, and then waiting until everyone "sees" the angel holding the plates. Any not seeing the vision will be given a second chance with a priesthood leader. Writing skills not required, but youth should be able to sign their names.

Seriously, this is one of my favorite lists you've done, Runtu.

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