Thursday, July 3, 2008

major guilt trip —miracle

Long talk with DH last night. He kept asking why I am so happy and comfortable with myself--I have told him more than once that the church stifled who I was and now that I am free I feel whole. Well, that started a tirade by him regarding our kids. A few months ago I did tell my oldest some of what I learned about the BoA and JS. I also told him dad may not be happy he knew that, well, turns out, ds talked to DH a little. DH was quite upset with me, accused me of trying to turn the kids against him and the church, so, did I go too far? Should I not tell my kids why? Should I let them continue to be indoctrinated? DH claims the info is too heavy and they can't understand it, he said that I don't understand it (this is his mo, I am spritually ignorant where he, DH, has a better understanding of all things mormon). I am vascillating between "I shouldn't overwhelm the kids with all this" and "if I wait, it will be too late for them." ... I also asked DH what kind of church has to hide information, that it might be too overwelming to young ears, he didn't answer, he just accused me of hurting the kids, basically saying "should we let our kids watch us have sex since they need to know?" Very frustrating. I hate thinking I have hurt my kids by telling them some stuff, I hate that it has been hard for them to see DH and I go opposite directions. Is there no chance for peace and harmony in a mixed marriage?
You certainly haven't harmed your kids. They're not invested in church beliefs the way adults are. It hasn't cost them anything, and they're too young to have any sense of their own mortality so they're not likely to worry about the what-happens-when-we-die stuff. The only harm I see is in your relationship with your spouse.

As difficult as it may be, I think you have to communicate with each other about how you're going to approach religious beliefs with the kids. "Dad believes this, and mom believes this, and it's OK that we're different." Ideally you might even have these conversations when the spouse is in the room, so it doesn't look like you're trying to demean the other's views. And I would not tell kids they have to choose.

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