"You'll be back." Ugh. No. No, I won't. —Babblonian

I hear this relatively often from TBMs in my extended family (and sometimes in my own home). You're going through a phase. Deep down, you still know the church is true. Once you lose the pride, you'll understand. You'll be back. I can see in your eyes how unhappy you are. I know you'll be back because God told me so.
And later: You look happier. What happened?! You're on your way back! I knew it.
No. No. I'm just happy. INDEPENDENTLY happy. Imagine that.
How do you deal with these kinds of statements? How do you shut this stuff down?

I've heard it from family too. My FIL says one of my sons will baptize me one day. What I've done is volunteer to sign something saying that I, Guap, do irrevocably and eternally vow never to join the Mormon church or accept any vicarious ordinances done on my behalf. No one's ever taken me up on that.